Love Yourself to Life

Get Renewed, Refreshed, & Repositioned

By

Mental Wellness After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

“Too good to leave, too bad to stay”. Was this phrase playing repeatedly like a sick merry-go-round during your last relationship? With this phrase, you were managing your mental wellness in a negative while in the relationship.

Have you been stuck in an abusive relationship’s deep, dark trenches within your mind, body, and spirit? Having experienced domestic violence, I am confident that you may have felt that you would never be free. Hopefully, if you’re reading this blog right here, right now, you did it! You are free!! Now, it’s time to begin managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship.

Nevertheless, leaving an abusive relationship is the first step in a long journey ahead, but don’t get discouraged. Managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is possible. It may not be easy, but it can be done–one moment, one step, one day at a time.

If you’ve escaped the clutches of a toxic, abusive relationship stick around. We’ll talk about what your healing journey might look like, and a few ways to nurture your mental wellness as you begin to find and love yourself again.

What Should I Expect After Leaving An Abusive Relationship?

Abuse is abuse! It can be verbal, emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical abuse. When leaving an abusive relationship, you experienced a myriad of unexpected and possibly unknown feelings. One of those may have been the desire to go back to the abuser.

Breakups are difficult no matter what. It’s likely you’ll go through many of the same emotions that even individuals in healthy relationships go through and MORE! You still love the abuser and can’t understand why the feeling doesn’t dissipate immediately. Think about it–you were in a relationship with this person and feelings can be strong. Love developed. Memories were made. Life-long plans were discussed and in some instances, actions were taken for these life-long plans. It’s normal to miss the abuser. You were bonded with this person for an extended period of time, so the beginning emotions may feel raw and irritating as you adjust. 

You might feel guilty for feeling this way. Others in your life may shame you for missing your abusive partner. It’s important to remember these people often lack an understanding of the difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship.

At times you might feel happy. You may experience joy and peace as you settle into your newfound freedom. At other times, anger may erupt. It is normal to fluctuate between emotions. I do not want you to feel judgment and shame. If these two emotions/thoughts erupt, release them.

Let’s look at a few negative feelings you may experience:

  • Anger
  • Confusion
  • Disgust
  • Self-Doubt
  • Scared
  • Shame
  • Low self-esteem
  • Hopeless
  • Anxious
  • Stressed
  • Trapped

Let’s look at the positive feelings I want you to focus on:

  • Hopeful
  • Empowered
  • Optimistic
  • Comfort
  • Energized
  • Relieved
  • Independent
  • Supported
  • Loved
  • Inspired
  • Safe

3 Ways to Take Care of Your Mental Wellness after Leaving an Abusive Relationship

There isn’t a specific timeframe for how long it may take you to heal from an abusive partner. Unlike healthy breakups, you’re not only stuck grieving the end of your relationship but you’re also left with many broken parts of yourself that require love and commitment. Let’s explore 3 ways that can help you nurture your mental health after escaping an abusive relationship.

Do NOT have contact with the abuser! No CONTACT! Nada! None!

Remember, one of the goals is to improve your mental wellness. When you have contact with the abuser, there is a possibility that he/she will attempt to “swoon” or “sweet-talk” you to return to the relationship.

Going ‘no contact’ is exactly what it means–absolutely no contact with your ex. This may feel devastating at first, but it is absolutely necessary for your safety. It might feel excruciatingly painful, but it is the best decision you can make for your wellness.

Many abusive partners don’t let the abuse end when you walk away. They’ll often try to manipulate, control, or threaten their victim in order to prevent them from leaving. Abusers hate losing their grip on the power they hold and will often go to extreme lengths to keep a victim locked in tight.

For many victims of abuse, the constant calls and texts from their perpetrator can not only hold them back from fully leaving, but perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, stress, and depression. They may be physically free from their ex but are still mentally and emotionally confined.

The dramatic shift to no contact may feel like ripping off a Bandaid. It’s going to hurt, but anything that stays covered has difficulty with the healing process. As time carries on, and each day separates you further and further away from your abusive ex, your heart will slowly begin to heal. Every day you spend engaging in no contact is another day you win. Every time you let the sun go down without reaching out, you are strengthed to regain POWER! Your mental wellness matters.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can be incredibly useful for victims of abuse that struggle with being in the ‘here and now’. Mindfulness means simply allowing yourself to sit in the present moment while becoming consciously aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For many victims of abuse, their minds can feel like they’re constantly repeating the past. They may suffer flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts. When they suffer abuse, the areas of the brain responsible for major functioning, learning, memory, emotional regulation, and focus can become unbalanced. However, meditation and common mindfulness practices have been shown to heal many of the same areas of trauma damage!

Other Examples Of Mindfulness Practices Include:

  • Yoga
  • Breathwork
  • Journaling
  • Self-soothing
  • Inner child work
  • Anchoring

While your physical wounds may fade, there is continued pain from mental and emotional wounds. These inner scars don’t heal by ignoring or repressing them. The most effective way to work through trauma is to handle it head-on. Mindfulness is a gentle way to approach the internal damage caused by an abusive partner.

Seek Therapy

As the stigma of mental health slowly fades away, individuals are more open to seeking therapy.  Therapy is a necessary tool for individuals leaving an abusive relationship. The aftermath of a breakup can leave you feeling fragile, alone, scared, and confused. You might feel overwhelmed by the amount of healing work you have to do. A therapist can assist you in deep, internal healing caused by the wounds of an abusive partner. In addition, they can help you work through negative thoughts. A therapist can guide you into healthier coping strategies, and emotional regulation tools, and encourage you as you walk into your newfound freedom.

A therapist can work with you to develop a plan for your life, instead of attempting to heal and move on from abuse on your own. Abuse is tricky and can lead to many internal problems you may not realize until years later. However, therapists have the knowledge and skills to help get to the root of the issue.

You Deserve to Experience Healthy Love and a Healthy Mind

If you’ve released yourself from an abusive relationship, you may still miss your ex. You may question the decision to leave and/or might find it difficult, or even painful to make independent decisions. On the other hand, you might feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You may smile and relish in the freedom that had only been a dream.

No matter what you’re feeling, keep in mind that the healing process after an abusive relationship looks different for everyone. Just as your relationship was unique to you, so is your mental wellness journey.

Taking care of your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is vital for long-term healing. While your body may have suffered at the hands of your abuser, your mental wellness and emotions did as well. As you take it moment by moment and day by day, managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is necessary and can be accomplished.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, reach out for help and establish a safety escape plan. See the resource listed on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan

[Read more…]

By

Renewing Our Minds

We all need to make it a daily practice of Renewing Our Minds. I remember a time when a large portion of thoughts that ran through my mind was negative and dark. I couldn’t conjure up a positive affirmation about myself no matter how hard I tried. Sure, everything appeared to be going great from the outside looking in, but nobody could see the torment that was going on internally. I was a low-key fast-moving train ready to derail at any moment. The truth of the matter is, I did derail when I attempted to end any future God had for my life. My mind and thoughts were so messed up that I decided my life wasn’t worth living anymore. I was carrying things from my past and it was a heavy burdensome load that wasn’t meant for me to hold on to, yet I was refusing to release it to God. I was in desperate need of a mind shift, a renewal of who I was in Christ and His purpose for my life. I learned to #letitgo and it has been one of the best lessons I could ever embrace.

We can’t carry old garbage around with us when we’re trying to renew our minds. Old and new cannot align with our thoughts when we have a desire to become better. We must have a cleaning out—a deep cleaning out of thoughts that aren’t positive, fruitful, or beneficial. How many times have you found yourself sitting and dwelling in the negative and allowing it to become overwhelming where you don’t see yourself the way God sees you? Maybe you’ve embraced the negative picture that you’re not worthy of __________ (fill in the blank).

I want to encourage you to renew your mind daily. By doing this, you will be taking purposeful steps to overcome challenges and be better prepared when the attack of negativity erupts throughout the day. Change the narrative of the story that you’re telling yourself about yourself. To go to new places, you need a new mindset. Get rid of the old and embrace something new.

Know this, when you transform your mind and are healed, Satan will fight all the more to take you back to “what was.” We aren’t immune to his tactics just because our faith in God has increased and we believe in His promises for our lives. The battle gets stronger when our mental power is fulfilled through the Holy Spirit. Transformation is an ongoing process and requires patience. It requires us to be specific, realistic, and active in making the necessary changes.

How do we transform our thinking and renew our minds?

Pray

The most important thing we can do when our minds are a “jumbled mess” is to pray and seek God for peace. He will grant you peace, not just any peace, but a “peace that surpasses all understanding.” This peace “will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6. Who wouldn’t want this peace? When everything is going on around you that seems to be in an uproar, you have peace. When people think you should be losing your mind, you have peace. When people are walking out of your life, you have peace. When the job no longer exists, you have peace. When the business endeavor didn’t go the way you expected, you have peace. Pray and ask God for peace as you renew your mind and increase your faith in Him.

Remove Yourself from People Who Don’t Think You Can Grow

God is using you while He is transforming you and this will make some people uncomfortable. They will want you to remain in the place that you’re in and not grow. They don’t believe you need a transformation and want you to stay stuck in a mental and emotional fog. Be determined to shift and be renewed regardless of how others view your transformation. Don’t give in to the thought of “hurting their feelings” when you pull away or remove yourself from their presence. Your feelings matter at this moment and in the moments ahead. Be ok with your growth and the vision you have for mental peace. When you remove yourself from people who don’t think you can grow, you will be refreshed because you’re not continuing to entangle yourself in negative environments. Embrace your newness and refreshing future!

Stop Being Controlled by Your Past

The vision of Love Yourself to Life is to encourage women to embrace the essence of who they are and not allow the past to interfere with their present and future. I spent many years allowing my past to have a negative effect on my future. I was allowing it to hold me hostage and not take the necessary steps for a better life. Our present situation is a process, and we must be determined not to give up when it becomes challenging. Healing from past hurts, hurt. It doesn’t feel good when we are reliving emotions and feelings from things people have said or done to us. Can I get an Amen?

When we truly do the work, it is going to cause an eruption of memories that are painful and unfavorable. We remember decisions that we made that weren’t productive for our lives or conducive to the direction in which God was sending us.

Hallelujah! As I wrote that God reminded me of Jonah. God instructed Jonah to go to Nineveh, but he didn’t want to go there because he considered them enemies. Jonah didn’t want to follow God’s plan and went in an entirely different direction. Long story short, when it came down to it, God had the final say, and Jonah ultimately travel to Nineveh.

Reflect on a time that you made a decision that was the opposite of what God wanted for you. There are specific moments in my life when I specifically remember God telling me to ask someone a specific question. To be transparent with you, I didn’t ask and had to learn not to live in a space of regret. Very shortly after I made a shift, God revealed the facts of what I could not see that would’ve been disclosed had I only followed His instructions to simply ask. Even in that situation, I’ve had to renew my mind and not allow mustard seed-size thoughts to settle and grow. If I wasn’t careful, I would allow that situation of my past to control my future. I admonish you again to stop being controlled by your past. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all sinned. We’ve all fallen short of God’s glorious standard. Romans 3:23

It’s time to shift! It’s time for renewal! Not tomorrow…NOW! Connect with me for help freeing yourself from what’s holding you hostage. Again, we need to have a daily practice of Renewing Our Minds.

Remember this: When your mind is renewed, you are not controlled by your past. You are FREE!

By

How Can Sisters Support Each Other’s Dreams?

As I was perusing through my pictures, the backdrop of one with my sister and I at the Essence Festival caught my eye. I vividly remember the first time I saw the backdrop and because it is a necessary reminder of the importance of supporting each other. At this moment, I want you to stop and assess your “support level.” How consistent have you been at supporting your sister’s dreams? Do you support anyone’s dreams or is the sole focus on you and what you can get out of others? Do you have an open hand to receive and a closed to give? 

Sisters aren’t defined by blood or genetics. Not all of my “sisters” are in my family. I only have two blood sisters, but have the friendship and support of several women that I call “sister” or my “sista.” When we support each other as sisters, we can accomplish a lot more for the Kingdom. Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil.

For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ESV

[Read more…]

By

A Different Feeling on Mother’s Day

Have you ever had an aha moment and thought, “this is just for me.” Well, that’s what I was thinking this morning as I had a major revelation that I was missing something on this Mother’s Day. Shortly after the aha moment, I realized that I’m not the only one, and others are experiencing the same feelings.

Maybe you’ve experienced a miscarriage or an abortion. Today may be a little different for you. It is for me.