Monica Debro, Author at Love Yourself to Life

Mental Wellness After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

“Too good to leave, too bad to stay”. Was this phrase playing repeatedly like a sick merry-go-round during your last relationship? With this phrase, you were managing your mental wellness in a negative while in the relationship.

Have you been stuck in an abusive relationship’s deep, dark trenches within your mind, body, and spirit? Having experienced domestic violence, I am confident that you may have felt that you would never be free. Hopefully, if you’re reading this blog right here, right now, you did it! You are free!! Now, it’s time to begin managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship.

Nevertheless, leaving an abusive relationship is the first step in a long journey ahead, but don’t get discouraged. Managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is possible. It may not be easy, but it can be done–one moment, one step, one day at a time.

If you’ve escaped the clutches of a toxic, abusive relationship stick around. We’ll talk about what your healing journey might look like, and a few ways to nurture your mental wellness as you begin to find and love yourself again.

What Should I Expect After Leaving An Abusive Relationship?

Abuse is abuse! It can be verbal, emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical abuse. When leaving an abusive relationship, you experienced a myriad of unexpected and possibly unknown feelings. One of those may have been the desire to go back to the abuser.

Breakups are difficult no matter what. It’s likely you’ll go through many of the same emotions that even individuals in healthy relationships go through and MORE! You still love the abuser and can’t understand why the feeling doesn’t dissipate immediately. Think about it–you were in a relationship with this person and feelings can be strong. Love developed. Memories were made. Life-long plans were discussed and in some instances, actions were taken for these life-long plans. It’s normal to miss the abuser. You were bonded with this person for an extended period of time, so the beginning emotions may feel raw and irritating as you adjust.

You might feel guilty for feeling this way. Others in your life may shame you for missing your abusive partner. It’s important to remember these people often lack an understanding of the difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship.

At times you might feel happy. You may experience joy and peace as you settle into your newfound freedom. At other times, anger may erupt. It is normal to fluctuate between emotions. I do not want you to feel judgment and shame. If these two emotions/thoughts erupt, release them.

Let’s look at a few negative feelings you may experience:

Anger
Confusion
Disgust
Self-Doubt
Scared
Shame
Low self-esteem
Hopeless
Anxious
Stressed
Trapped

Let’s look at the positive feelings I want you to focus on:

Hopeful
Empowered
Optimistic
Comfort
Energized
Relieved
Independent
Supported
Loved
Inspired
Safe

3 Ways to Take Care of Your Mental Wellness after Leaving an Abusive Relationship

There isn’t a specific timeframe for how long it may take you to heal from an abusive partner. Unlike healthy breakups, you’re not only stuck grieving the end of your relationship but you’re also left with many broken parts of yourself that require love and commitment. Let’s explore 3 ways that can help you nurture your mental health after escaping an abusive relationship.

Do NOT have contact with the abuser! No CONTACT! Nada! None!

Remember, one of the goals is to improve your mental wellness. When you have contact with the abuser, there is a possibility that he/she will attempt to “swoon” or “sweet-talk” you to return to the relationship.

Going ‘no contact’ is exactly what it means–absolutely no contact with your ex. This may feel devastating at first, but it is absolutely necessary for your safety. It might feel excruciatingly painful, but it is the best decision you can make for your wellness.

Many abusive partners don’t let the abuse end when you walk away. They’ll often try to manipulate, control, or threaten their victim in order to prevent them from leaving. Abusers hate losing their grip on the power they hold and will often go to extreme lengths to keep a victim locked in tight.

For many victims of abuse, the constant calls and texts from their perpetrator can not only hold them back from fully leaving, but perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, stress, and depression. They may be physically free from their ex but are still mentally and emotionally confined.

The dramatic shift to no contact may feel like ripping off a Bandaid. It’s going to hurt, but anything that stays covered has difficulty with the healing process. As time carries on, and each day separates you further and further away from your abusive ex, your heart will slowly begin to heal. Every day you spend engaging in no contact is another day you win. Every time you let the sun go down without reaching out, you are strengthed to regain POWER! Your mental wellness matters.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can be incredibly useful for victims of abuse that struggle with being in the ‘here and now’. Mindfulness means simply allowing yourself to sit in the present moment while becoming consciously aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For many victims of abuse, their minds can feel like they’re constantly repeating the past. They may suffer flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts. When they suffer abuse, the areas of the brain responsible for major functioning, learning, memory, emotional regulation, and focus can become unbalanced. However, meditation and common mindfulness practices have been shown to heal many of the same areas of trauma damage!

Other Examples Of Mindfulness Practices Include:

Yoga
Breathwork
Journaling
Self-soothing
Inner child work
Anchoring

While your physical wounds may fade, there is continued pain from mental and emotional wounds. These inner scars don’t heal by ignoring or repressing them. The most effective way to work through trauma is to handle it head-on. Mindfulness is a gentle way to approach the internal damage caused by an abusive partner.

Seek Therapy

As the stigma of mental health slowly fades away, individuals are more open to seeking therapy. Therapy is a necessary tool for individuals leaving an abusive relationship. The aftermath of a breakup can leave you feeling fragile, alone, scared, and confused. You might feel overwhelmed by the amount of healing work you have to do. A therapist can assist you in deep, internal healing caused by the wounds of an abusive partner. In addition, they can help you work through negative thoughts. A therapist can guide you into healthier coping strategies, and emotional regulation tools, and encourage you as you walk into your newfound freedom.

A therapist can work with you to develop a plan for your life, instead of attempting to heal and move on from abuse on your own. Abuse is tricky and can lead to many internal problems you may not realize until years later. However, therapists have the knowledge and skills to help get to the root of the issue.

You Deserve to Experience Healthy Love and a Healthy Mind

If you’ve released yourself from an abusive relationship, you may still miss your ex. You may question the decision to leave and/or might find it difficult, or even painful to make independent decisions. On the other hand, you might feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You may smile and relish in the freedom that had only been a dream.

No matter what you’re feeling, keep in mind that the healing process after an abusive relationship looks different for everyone. Just as your relationship was unique to you, so is your mental wellness journey.

Taking care of your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is vital for long-term healing. While your body may have suffered at the hands of your abuser, your mental wellness and emotions did as well. As you take it moment by moment and day by day, managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is necessary and can be accomplished.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, reach out for help and establish a safety escape plan. See the resource listed on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan

[Read more…]

By Monica Debro

Renewing Our Minds

We all need to make it a daily practice of Renewing Our Minds. I remember a time when a large portion of thoughts that ran through my mind was negative and dark. I couldn’t conjure up a positive affirmation about myself no matter how hard I tried. Sure, everything appeared to be going great from the outside looking in, but nobody could see the torment that was going on internally. I was a low-key fast-moving train ready to derail at any moment. The truth of the matter is, I did derail when I attempted to end any future God had for my life. My mind and thoughts were so messed up that I decided my life wasn’t worth living anymore. I was carrying things from my past and it was a heavy burdensome load that wasn’t meant for me to hold on to, yet I was refusing to release it to God. I was in desperate need of a mind shift, a renewal of who I was in Christ and His purpose for my life. I learned to #letitgo and it has been one of the best lessons I could ever embrace.

We can’t carry old garbage around with us when we’re trying to renew our minds. Old and new cannot align with our thoughts when we have a desire to become better. We must have a cleaning out—a deep cleaning out of thoughts that aren’t positive, fruitful, or beneficial. How many times have you found yourself sitting and dwelling in the negative and allowing it to become overwhelming where you don’t see yourself the way God sees you? Maybe you’ve embraced the negative picture that you’re not worthy of __________ (fill in the blank).

I want to encourage you to renew your mind daily. By doing this, you will be taking purposeful steps to overcome challenges and be better prepared when the attack of negativity erupts throughout the day. Change the narrative of the story that you’re telling yourself about yourself. To go to new places, you need a new mindset. Get rid of the old and embrace something new.

Know this, when you transform your mind and are healed, Satan will fight all the more to take you back to “what was.” We aren’t immune to his tactics just because our faith in God has increased and we believe in His promises for our lives. The battle gets stronger when our mental power is fulfilled through the Holy Spirit. Transformation is an ongoing process and requires patience. It requires us to be specific, realistic, and active in making the necessary changes.

How do we transform our thinking and renew our minds?

Pray

The most important thing we can do when our minds are a “jumbled mess” is to pray and seek God for peace. He will grant you peace, not just any peace, but a “peace that surpasses all understanding.” This peace “will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6. Who wouldn’t want this peace? When everything is going on around you that seems to be in an uproar, you have peace. When people think you should be losing your mind, you have peace. When people are walking out of your life, you have peace. When the job no longer exists, you have peace. When the business endeavor didn’t go the way you expected, you have peace. Pray and ask God for peace as you renew your mind and increase your faith in Him.

Remove Yourself from People Who Don’t Think You Can Grow

God is using you while He is transforming you and this will make some people uncomfortable. They will want you to remain in the place that you’re in and not grow. They don’t believe you need a transformation and want you to stay stuck in a mental and emotional fog. Be determined to shift and be renewed regardless of how others view your transformation. Don’t give in to the thought of “hurting their feelings” when you pull away or remove yourself from their presence. Your feelings matter at this moment and in the moments ahead. Be ok with your growth and the vision you have for mental peace. When you remove yourself from people who don’t think you can grow, you will be refreshed because you’re not continuing to entangle yourself in negative environments. Embrace your newness and refreshing future!

Stop Being Controlled by Your Past

The vision of Love Yourself to Life is to encourage women to embrace the essence of who they are and not allow the past to interfere with their present and future. I spent many years allowing my past to have a negative effect on my future. I was allowing it to hold me hostage and not take the necessary steps for a better life. Our present situation is a process, and we must be determined not to give up when it becomes challenging. Healing from past hurts, hurt. It doesn’t feel good when we are reliving emotions and feelings from things people have said or done to us. Can I get an Amen?

When we truly do the work, it is going to cause an eruption of memories that are painful and unfavorable. We remember decisions that we made that weren’t productive for our lives or conducive to the direction in which God was sending us.

Hallelujah! As I wrote that God reminded me of Jonah. God instructed Jonah to go to Nineveh, but he didn’t want to go there because he considered them enemies. Jonah didn’t want to follow God’s plan and went in an entirely different direction. Long story short, when it came down to it, God had the final say, and Jonah ultimately travel to Nineveh.

Reflect on a time that you made a decision that was the opposite of what God wanted for you. There are specific moments in my life when I specifically remember God telling me to ask someone a specific question. To be transparent with you, I didn’t ask and had to learn not to live in a space of regret. Very shortly after I made a shift, God revealed the facts of what I could not see that would’ve been disclosed had I only followed His instructions to simply ask. Even in that situation, I’ve had to renew my mind and not allow mustard seed-size thoughts to settle and grow. If I wasn’t careful, I would allow that situation of my past to control my future. I admonish you again to stop being controlled by your past. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all sinned. We’ve all fallen short of God’s glorious standard. Romans 3:23

It’s time to shift! It’s time for renewal! Not tomorrow…NOW! Connect with me for help freeing yourself from what’s holding you hostage. Again, we need to have a daily practice of Renewing Our Minds.

Remember this: When your mind is renewed, you are not controlled by your past. You are FREE!

By Monica Debro

Celebrate Your Life!

Now, more than ever, I want you to celebrate your life. How often do you Celebrate Your Life? These past few years have been tough, and many of us have overcome challenges we never thought possible. But we’ve made it through, and now it’s time to celebrate!

Let’s go over some ways to celebrate yourself and your life.

Take Care of Yourself

One meaningful way to celebrate your life is to take care of yourself. This means making time to
do things that make you happy and listening to your body. We often put everyone else’s needs before our own, but it’s important to remember that we can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves first. So, make sure to schedule some “me time” every week, even if it’s just an hour or two. Why? Because it’s important to Celebrate Your Life!

Do Something Fun

Another great way to celebrate your life is to do something fun! You can do anything from going
on a road trip to taking a dance class. Just make sure it’s something that you enjoy, and that
makes you happy. Sometimes, we get caught up in our habits and forget to have fun. But life is meant to be enjoyed, so include some fun activities and mix up your weekly routine.

Celebrate Your Accomplishments

Don’t forget to celebrate your accomplishments! This can mean commemorating a promotion at
work to finishing a marathon. Whatever it is, take the time to pat yourself on the back and
celebrate your hard work. We often focus on our failures rather than our successes, but it’s important to remember all the amazing things we’ve accomplished. So, take time every week to reflect on your achievements and give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back.

Reach Out to Others

You can do this by doing anything from volunteering your time to simply sending a handwritten
letter to a friend. Just make sure you’re doing something to make someone else’s life better. It’s essential to remember that we’re not alone in this world. There are a lot of people who need our help, so make sure to reach out and lend a hand when you can.

Make Great Memories

You must make take the time to make great memories. You can do this by taking a trip to your
favorite city or spending time with your family and friends. Just do something that you’ll
remember for years to come. Sometimes, what is happening in the present makes us forget to create memories for the future. But it’s important to remember that we only have one life to live, so take advantage of every opportunity to create great memories.

Do Things That Make You Happy

Above all else, make sure to do things that make you happy. This includes anything from
reading your favorite book to taking a long walk in the park. Just make sure you’re doing
something that brings joy into your life. We must ensure that we don’t overlook what it means to be joyful. Fulfillment and happiness are the most important things in life, so include some activities in your weekly routine that make you happy. This can be anything from having a spa day to taking a class that challenges you. The imperative thing is that you do something to make YOU happy.

Visit Those Who Matter

If you have time, this can include visiting anyone from your best friend to your grandparents. To
feel fulfilled, you must take the time to connect with the people who mean the most to you.
We often get busy and forget to visit the people who matter most to us. But it’s important to
remember that our loved ones have a great influence on our lives. So, make sure to arrange
some time each week to visit the people who matter most.

Start a Journal

Another great way to celebrate your life is to start a journal. This can be anything from a daily
diary to a weekly blog. During stressful times, we tend to take our lives for granted and forget to appreciate all the fantastic things that happen to us daily. But if we take the time to journal our lives, we can remember all the great things that make us who we are. So, make sure to start a journal and
document your life today! In it, you can document your accomplishments, happy moments, and goals for the future.

Book a Flying Dress Photoshoot

Lastly, ordering a flying dress photoshoot is one of the best ways to celebrate your life! A flying
dress is not only beautiful, but they also symbolize hope and freedom. And what better way to
show the world that you’re overcoming challenges than wearing a flying dress?
Not only that but getting a flying dress photoshoot is a great way to pamper yourself. You
deserve to feel beautiful and empowered. And what can make you feel more powerful than
getting a flying dress photoshoot?

With a flying dress photoshoot, you can choose to have your photos taken indoors or outdoors.
And best of all, you get to wear a beautiful flying dress representing the person you’re ready to
be. A flying dress is not only beautiful, but it also symbolizes hope and freedom.

Rain Flying Dress wants to give you the flying dress experience of a lifetime. They understand
that their dresses help you feel gorgeous, confident, and empowered. And most importantly,
they want to show you that it’s possible to overcome anything life throws your way. So, if you’re
ready to celebrate your life, book a flying dress photoshoot today! Rain Flying Dress can’t wait
to celebrate you.

If you’re a woman who has overcome challenges in life, we want to celebrate you! These
are only a few ways in which you can take a deep breath and say, I did that!
I know it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I want you to know that
there is hope. Keep believing that better is coming, and if you need professional help, please
seek it. You deserve to live your best life.

By Monica Debro

The Silent Treatment

There are numerous reasons a person uses silence. Examples of silence include praying, thinking, reflecting, observing, or controlling. Whatever the reason is, silence can be beneficial or detrimental to a relationship.

Praying

Praying does not require us to be bowed down on our knees, laying prostrate, or with our hands lifted. We can pray and the person next to us does not have an inkling of an idea that we’re praying. While you may think the person sitting next to you in a meeting is disengaged, he/she may be praying. Whether standing at a bus station, boarding an airplane, or getting on an elevator, someone is praying. No matter what environment we are in, silence allows us time to pray and seek God for peace, forgiveness, discernment, comfort, healing, direction, and a myriad of other reasons. The environment can be loud and boisterous or quiet and calm. A person sitting in silence may be using the moment to talk to the One who knows all and is all.

Hannah prayed in silence. She wasn’t concerned about what others said about her. Hannah knew that she needed to be in silence and pray to the Father. Eli assumed that she had been drinking when it was the total opposite because she was sober in mind and knew that God was the one who could answer her prayer.

Think it Through

Silence is necessary when after we’ve prayed, we need to think things through regarding a decision that needs to be made. It allows time to determine the best path to take, who needs to be involved, and what resources & support are needed. When we think things through, we can also identify positive and negative outcomes. We can project our potential wins and losses.

Self-Reflection

Just as we think things through, we often take time to reflect. Self-reflection is necessary for personal growth and requires silence. I can’t imagine anyone who does not take the time for self-reflection. We all experience moments of being on the mountain top and in the lows of the valley. Whether we are on the mountain top or in the valley, it is important for us to find a quiet environment to assess, meditate on and evaluate what we have done, gone through, and how we see ourselves. I encourage you to use this time to journal your thoughts and identify what went well and what needs to change. This allows us to make the necessary adjustments for improvements.

Observing

Hopefully, you are an observer who sits in silence and watches the behavior, character, and communication of others. I like to do this when I’m in a new setting—work environment, networking event, group vacations, and any time that I am going to be around a group of people for specific amounts of time. One of my reasons for doing this is to determine who in the group is the “chatterbox” #gossiper. This is the person I am aware of not to share personal conversations. When we observe, we can determine who the complainer is and not get entangled in their negativity. Another reason is to identify the person who is at a higher level than you and can increase your knowledge. This is the individual I want to connect and collaborate with because Iron Sharpens Iron (Proverbs 27:17).

Control

On the negative aspect, silence can be used as a form of control in a relationship. Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Not addressing the issue instead of talking it out increases stress and frustration. It can lead to feelings of loneliness and doubt about where they stand in the relationship. There is a difference in needing to take time to gather your thoughts and calm down after a negative incidence. This allows both parties to become “level-headed” and decrease the opportunity for the conversation to be argumentative and confrontational. The door is open for a calm crucial conversation that allows both people to share openly with the goal of having effective communication to resolve the issue.

Establish a timeframe for how long you all will take to “cool down” or “gather your thoughts” before coming together for an open and transparent discussion. Going to bed without talking, brings division in the relationship. You might think it doesn’t, but it does something to the person that is being ignored, controlled, and emotionally abused.

When the silent treatment is used as a form of control, the individual may ignore their partner for hours, days, or weeks. Knowing full well they are hurting the person, they choose to punish with silence and ultimately manipulate the situation.

Call to Action when he/she is being silent.

Have your own hobbies. Don’t be so “caught up” in the relationship that you lose a sense of who you are and what you like to do. Get active to get energized.
Avoid perusing social media. This can cause more harm than good. You need your mind to be on something positive and not on the images others what to portray about their lives.
Continue to connect with family and friends. Plan a last-minute outing to do something fun.
Take yourself on a date. Have a mini spa day and get a manicure and pedicure.
Go to the park and read a book.
Go for a walk, pray, and soak in some vitamin D.
Establish boundaries and ask yourself: “Is it time to leave the relationship? Is this something that you can deal with by staying in the relationship if he/she doesn’t change?”
Be honest with yourself and make an informed decision.

Once you’ve made a decision based on the last two bullet points above, determine your next steps. Is he/she willing to make the necessary adjustments to improve communication in the relationship and avoid using the silent treatment? Your mental health should not be challenged as a result of being the receiver of the silent treatment. Your mental health deserves peace, comfort, and love. You are worthy to be loved to life!

By Monica Debro

Love Yourself to Life TV Show on The Believe in Your Dreams TV Network

When I first wrote Broken Believer No More, I said “this will make for a good movie.” Even then, I was Believing in My Dreams. Love Yourself to Life wasn’t a concept in 2015, but after I went through my healing journey, God taught me how to love myself to life.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3 Love Yourself to Life has been a life-changer and will soon be a TV show on the Believe In Your Dreams Television Network airing on Amazon fireTV, Roku TV, Apple TV, BNJ TV, and Mini TV.

I’m very excited about the guests who have already been scheduled to be on the television show and about the contract that’ll be signed next week. #epic Words cannot begin to explain how excited I am about the opportunities that have been afforded to me and the direction in which Love Yourself to Life is going.