The National Black Nurses Association (NBNA) Ad Hoc Committee on Violence Reduction held an essential webinar spotlighting domestic violence and postpartum mental health issues specifically affecting African American women. This event brought attention to the unique challenges faced by African American women during the vulnerable periods of pregnancy and the postpartum phase, particularly when intertwined with domestic violence. The webinar educated attendees, most of whom were healthcare professionals, on how to recognize the signs, address barriers, and provide compassionate care and resources for affected women.

Identifying Indicators of Domestic Violence During Pregnancy

A key part of the webinar was equipping healthcare providers with knowledge to recognize indicators of domestic violence in pregnant patients. For African American women, symptoms of abuse may not always manifest as clear physical signs. Signs such as anxiety, depression, and frequent emergency room visits can hint at deeper issues. Other subtle indicators might include a reluctance to attend prenatal appointments alone, or limited engagement in conversations about pregnancy-related care. Recognizing these indicators early can be instrumental in ensuring the safety and well-being of both the mother and her unborn child.

Barriers to Help-Seeking for African American Women

One of the central focuses of the webinar was understanding the systemic and cultural barriers that individuals face when seeking help for domestic violence and postpartum mental health issues. The discussion explored how racial discrimination within healthcare systems, cultural stigmas, and socioeconomic constraints often prevent African American women from receiving the care they need. Historical mistrust in healthcare institutions, limited access to culturally sensitive mental health resources, and fear of judgment were also highlighted as critical obstacles. These barriers underscore the need for providers to approach these patients with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude, fostering a safe space for open communication.

Providing Resources and Support…

…for Co-Occurring Domestic Violence and Postpartum Mental Health Needs
The webinar emphasized the importance of connecting individuals with resources that address both domestic violence and postpartum mental health. Recognizing the unique co-occurrence of these issues is critical, as untreated postpartum mental health struggles combined with abusive circumstances can worsen outcomes for both mother and child. The Presenter offered specific resources and strategies for supporting affected individuals, such as providing information about local domestic violence shelters, crisis hotlines, and mental health support groups that understand and cater to survivors. Attendees were encouraged to build awareness of community programs and to advocate for greater access to culturally responsive care, including trauma-informed mental health services and support for domestic violence victims and new mothers facing postpartum mental health issues.

Fostering a Community of Support

The webinar not only provided actionable insights but also fostered a sense of responsibility among healthcare professionals to stand as allies for individuals facing these challenges. Nurses and healthcare providers can be instrumental in breaking down barriers, raising awareness, and offering compassionate care that respects cultural identities and addresses the complexity of each situation.

The NBNA Ad Hoc Committee on Violence Reduction’s webinar was a powerful reminder of the work that remains in supporting communities facing the intersecting struggles of domestic violence and postpartum mental health needs. By fostering a deeper understanding among healthcare providers, the webinar served as a call to action for creating safer, more supportive communities and healthcare environments for African American mothers everywhere.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911. For support and additional resources,

With Love & Support,
Dr. Monica
#love2life

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Why People Wear the Mask Covering Abuse

Survival Mechanism: Often, wearing a mask is a survival strategy. Admitting the reality of abuse can be overwhelming, and denial serves as a coping mechanism to avoid the pain and fear associated with it.

Fear of Judgment: Many fear being judged or blamed for their situation. Society often stigmatizes victims of abuse, leading to feelings of shame and guilt. The mask helps avoid this external scrutiny.

Hope for Change: Abusers can be charming and manipulative, creating cycles of hope and despair. Victims may cling to the hope that their abuser will change, believing that things will get better.

Dependence: Financial, emotional, or even spiritual dependence on the abuser can make it difficult to break free. The mask helps maintain the semblance of stability and security.

Normalization of Abuse: For some, abuse may have been a part of their upbringing, leading them to believe it is normal. This normalization makes it harder to recognize the need for change.

The Detrimental Effects of Hiding Behind the Mask

Mental and Emotional Toll: Constantly hiding one’s true emotions can lead to severe anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The internal conflict between the facade and reality can create deep psychological stress.

Physical Health Issues: The stress and trauma of ongoing abuse can manifest physically, leading to chronic health problems such as headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and even cardiovascular disease.

Isolation: Wearing a mask often means isolating oneself from potential sources of support. The fear of revealing the truth can lead to social withdrawal and loneliness.

Hindered Healing: True healing can only begin when we confront our reality. Hiding behind a mask prevents us from seeking the help we need to recover and move forward.

Three Realistic Action Steps to Seek Help and Remove Yourself from the Abusive Relationship

Reach Out to Trusted Individuals: Whether it’s a friend, family member, or mental health professional, confide in someone you trust. Sharing your situation can be the first step toward finding support and developing a plan to leave.

Create a Safety Plan: Develop a detailed plan for leaving the abusive situation safely. This includes having a safe place to go, securing important documents, setting aside emergency funds, and knowing local resources such as shelters and hotlines.

Legal and Financial Advice: Seek legal advice to understand your rights and options. This might include restraining orders, custody arrangements, or financial assistance programs. Consulting with a financial advisor can also help you prepare for independence.

Four Action Steps to Build Up Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Engage in Therapy: Professional therapy can provide a safe space to process your experiences and begin healing. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and trauma-focused therapy can be particularly effective.

Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive, understanding individuals. Join support groups where you can share your experiences and learn from others who have faced similar challenges.

Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. This could include exercise, meditation, journaling, or any hobbies that bring you joy and relaxation.

Set Boundaries: Learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in all relationships. This involves recognizing your own needs and rights, and not allowing others to violate them.

Hiding behind the mask of abuse is a complex and painful experience, but it’s important to recognize that there is a path to healing and empowerment. By understanding why we wear these masks and acknowledging the detrimental effects, we can begin to take concrete steps toward freedom and recovery. Reaching out for help, creating a safety plan, and seeking legal and financial advice are crucial first steps. Once free from the abusive relationship, building a support network, engaging in therapy, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries will help us reclaim our lives and well-being.

Let’s support each other in this journey of unveiling our true selves, finding our strength, and living authentically. We deserve to live without the weight of these masks and embrace a future filled with hope, love, and empowerment.

With Love & Support,
Dr. Monica
#love2life

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The Beginning

Emma lived in a quiet suburban neighborhood.  To the outside world, she seemed like an ordinary woman in her early thirties, living a relatively peaceful life. But beneath her carefully constructed facade, Emma was harboring a painful secret that had held her captive for over a decade.

Emma had been in a violent and abusive relationship with a man named James (name changed) for 12 long years. It was a relationship that had begun with sweet promises and loving gestures, but over time, it had twisted into a nightmare. The abuse was both physical and emotional, leaving her battered and broken, with shattered self-esteem. “Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship” (Office of Violence Against Women, 2023). Types of Abuse

The beginning of the relationship had been filled with happiness and love. James was charming and Emma had fallen head over heels for him. They met at a local café, and their chemistry was undeniable. James was a dashing man, with a magnetic personality, and he made Emma feel special in ways she had never experienced before.

Unexpected Changes

But as time went by, the veneer of love and affection began to crumble. James’s anger issues emerged, and he would often lose his temper over trivial matters. At first, Emma thought it was just a phase, that he was stressed or going through a tough time, but the outbursts only escalated. It wasn’t long before he began to physically harm her during his fits of rage.

The first time it happened, Emma was in shock. She couldn’t believe the man she loved had struck her. The pain, both physical and emotional, cut deep, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. James was apologetic and promised never to do it again, and Emma, still blinded by love, gave him another chance over and over again for 12 years.

Over the years, the abuse became a pattern. James would abuse her, apologize, and promise to change, and Emma, desperately clinging to hope, would believe him. She became isolated from her friends and family, as James’s controlling nature extended beyond the physical abuse. He constantly belittled her, manipulated her, and convinced her that no one else would ever love her.

Emma’s self-esteem eroded, and she began to believe that she deserved the abuse and that she was responsible for James’s actions. She lost her identity and lived in a constant state of fear, walking on eggshells, hoping to avoid his wrath.

A New Love

As the years passed, Emma found herself pregnant with James’s child. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but the abuse only intensified. James’s jealousy and possessiveness grew, and he resented the attention she gave to their child. Emma knew that she needed to protect her child, but leaving seemed impossible. The fear of James’s anger and the uncertainty of life outside of their toxic relationship paralyzed her.

It was only when their child, a little girl named Emily (name changed), was born that Emma found a sliver of courage. As she held her newborn daughter in her arms, she looked into Emily’s innocent eyes and realized that she couldn’t allow her to grow up in an environment filled with violence and fear. She knew she had to leave for the sake of her child.

The decision to leave was the most difficult one Emma had ever made. She knew that James’s reaction would be explosive, but she couldn’t let fear dictate her life any longer. With the help of a domestic violence hotline, Emma gathered her strength and began planning her escape. She reached out to a trusted friend who agreed to help her and Emily find safety.

The day of escape finally arrived. Emma packed a bag with the few belongings she could take, leaving behind most of her possessions. As she looked around their shared home one last time, she felt a mixture of fear and determination. She carried Emily in her arms and walked out the door, never looking back.

The days that followed were filled with uncertainty and fear. Emma and Emily stayed in a women’s shelter, where they received support and counseling. Through counseling and taking intentional action, she slowly began to rebuild her life, piece by piece. She learned that she was not alone and that many women had experienced similar situations. With the help of support groups, therapy, and the unconditional love of her daughter, Emma started to heal.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness was a long and difficult journey for Emma. She struggled with the pain and anger of the past. But as time passed, she realized that forgiving James was not for his benefit but for her own. She needed to let go of the bitterness and resentment that had consumed her for so long. It was a gradual process, but Sarah began to focus on her well-being and her daughter’s future.

Hope and Healing

With the support of a counselor, Emma also learned to set boundaries and regain her self-esteem. She reconnected with old friends and family members who had been worried about her but had been pushed away by James. Emma found that they were willing to help her rebuild her life and provide a safe and loving environment for Emily.

As the months turned into years, Emma became a symbol of resilience and strength. She worked tirelessly to provide a stable and nurturing environment for her daughter. She pursued an education and began working part-time to support herself and Emily. Emma’s unwavering love for her child fueled her determination to give her a better life.

Slowly but steadily, Emma and Emily’s life began to flourish. They moved into a cozy apartment, and Emily started school. Emma encouraged her daughter to pursue her dreams and be anything she wanted to be, something she had never been allowed to do in her previous life. Emily’s infectious enthusiasm and zest for life were a constant source of inspiration for Emma.

Over time, Emma also began to forgive herself. She had spent years blaming herself for staying in the abusive relationship. She realized that she had been a victim of manipulation and control and that she had made the courageous decision to leave for the sake of her daughter.

With the passage of time, Emma’s wounds began to heal, and she found a sense of peace she had never known. She continued to attend therapy to work through the residual trauma from her past. She began to believe in herself and her worth. Emma knew that she was deserving of love, respect, and happiness.

In the process of healing and rebuilding her life, Emma decided to share her story. She became an advocate for domestic violence survivors, volunteering at local shelters and speaking at events to raise awareness about the issue. She wanted to inspire others to find the strength to escape abusive relationships and rebuild their lives, just as she had.

Emma’s story became a beacon of hope for those who had experienced similar pain and suffering. Her courage, resilience, and determination inspired others to break free from the chains of abuse and seek a better future for themselves. She knew that the past would always be a part of her, but it no longer defined her. Emma was a survivor, a warrior, and a loving mother, determined to create a brighter, safer, and more fulfilling future for herself and her daughter.

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The first step in healing after leaving a domestic violence relationship is to seek help. This can mean reaching out to friends and family, finding a support group, or working with a therapist. Talking to someone who understands what you’re going through can be incredibly cathartic and help you to process your feelings and experiences.

Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. This may mean seeking medical attention for any physical injuries, engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep, and practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques.
One of the most difficult aspects of leaving a domestic violence relationship is dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. It is important to remember that domestic violence is never the victim’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt, threatened, or controlled by their partner. It’s also important to recognize that leaving a relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when children and financial dependence are involved. It’s okay to be proud of yourself for taking the step to leave and for recognizing that you deserve better.

Another aspect of healing is dealing with the trauma of the abuse itself. Trauma can lead to symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma can be incredibly helpful in managing these symptoms and promoting healing.

It’s also important to establish a sense of safety and stability in your life. This may mean finding a safe place to live, developing a support network, and setting boundaries with your abuser. If you have children, it’s important to talk to them about what happened in a way that is age-appropriate and helps them feel safe and secure.

Recognize that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and downs, and it’s normal to experience setbacks and triggers that bring back memories of the abuse. Be patient with yourself and understand that healing takes time. Finally, seek out resources and support, such as a domestic violence hotline The Hotline, a shelter, or a legal advocate. These organizations can provide information, support, and guidance as you navigate the legal system and build a new life for yourself and your children.

In conclusion, healing after leaving a domestic violence relationship is a long and challenging journey, but it is possible with the right support and resources. Remember to take care of yourself, seek help from a therapist or support group, and be patient as you navigate the process. And most importantly, remember that you are not alone and that you deserve to live a life free from violence and fear.

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Abusive relationships can take many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse, and can have serious and lasting impacts on those involved. Despite this, many people stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. Understanding these reasons can help those who are being abused and those who care about them find ways to support them and encourage them to leave the situation.

Fear is one of the biggest reasons that people stay in abusive relationships. Abusers often use violence or threats of violence to control and intimidate their partners, making it difficult for them to leave. Victims may fear for their safety and the safety of their loved ones and may feel that they have nowhere else to turn. They may also fear being blamed or not being believed if they do try to leave. Why Do Victims Stay?

Low self-esteem is another factor that can make it difficult for people to leave abusive relationships. Abusers often use tactics like belittling, criticizing, and undermining their partners to reduce their self-worth and make them feel dependent on the relationship. This can make it difficult for people to believe that they are capable of leaving or that they deserve better.

Economic dependence is also a major factor that can keep people in abusive relationships. Many victims of abuse may not have the financial resources to support themselves or their families on their own and may feel that they have no other options. They may also fear losing access to assets like homes or vehicles if they leave.

Cultural or societal factors can also play a role in why people stay in abusive relationships. For example, some cultures or communities may view violence as a normal part of relationships or may blame victims for the abuse they experience. Victims in these situations may feel that there is no support for them and that they are alone.

Finally, some people may stay in abusive relationships because of the hope that their partner will change. Abusers may sometimes apologize and promise to change, and victims may believe that they can help their partner overcome their abusive behavior. However, it is important to understand that abusive behavior is not a temporary problem and that without professional help, it is unlikely that an abuser will be able to change on their own.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, and it is important to remember that it is not the fault of those who are being abused. Instead, the responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the abuser. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it is important to seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or a professional organization. Support, resources, and safety planning can help individuals leave abusive situations and begin the process of healing.

In conclusion, there are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, including fear, low self-esteem, economic dependence, cultural or societal factors, and the hope for change. It is important to recognize and understand these reasons to better support those who are being abused. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, reaching out for help is a critical first step in leaving the situation and finding a safe and healthy path forward.

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First and foremost, remaining silent about the abuse can exacerbate the trauma. Abusive relationships often involve a power dynamic in which the abuser controls and manipulates the victim. By hiding the abuse, the victim is essentially giving the abuser even more control, allowing them to continue the abuse unchecked. This can lead to even greater trauma and feelings of helplessness.

Moreover, staying silent about the abuse can prevent the victim from getting the support they need to escape the relationship. Friends, family, and even strangers can provide critical help and resources for those in abusive relationships, but only if they know about the abuse. By keeping the abuse hidden, the victim may feel isolated and alone, making it even harder to leave the relationship.

In addition to the physical and emotional tolls of hiding abuse, there are also serious financial consequences. Abusive partners may control the victim’s finances, making it difficult or impossible for them to escape without financial assistance. However, if the abuse is hidden, it can be challenging to get the financial help needed to leave the relationship. This can leave the victim trapped in an endless cycle of abuse and financial hardship.

Hiding abuse can also have long-term effects on a person’s mental health. The trauma and stress of an abusive relationship can lead to depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If the abuse is hidden, the victim may not receive the mental health treatment they need to recover from the trauma. This can lead to long-term mental health problems, making it even more difficult to move on from the relationship.

Finally, hiding abuse can also have serious consequences for the abuser. While they may think they are protecting themselves by keeping the abuse hidden, they are creating a dangerous situation. By not holding the abuser accountable for their actions, they may feel emboldened to continue the abuse, or even escalate it. This can put the victim at even greater risk of harm.

In conclusion, the decision to hide abuse in a relationship can have devastating consequences for the victim. It can worsen the trauma, prevent them from getting the support they need, have serious financial consequences, harm their mental health, and put them at even greater risk of harm. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it is important to seek help and support. There are many resources available, including hotlines, shelters, and counseling services. By speaking out about the abuse, the victim takes an additional action step towards healing and recovery.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a personalized safety plan and resources, Personalized Safety Plan

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Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior that is used to gain control and power over an intimate partner or family member. It can take many forms, including physical, sexual, emotional, and economic abuse. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of their gender, age, race, or socio-economic status. It affects millions of people every year, and its impact can be devastating. Dynamics of Abuse

One of the main reasons why people turn a blind eye to domestic violence is fear. They may be afraid of getting involved, of the abuser, or of the repercussions of speaking out. This fear is often justified, as abusers can be violent and unpredictable. However, failing to act can also have serious consequences, both for the victim and for society as a whole.

Another reason why people turn a blind eye to domestic violence is shame. They may feel ashamed of the situation or believe that it is a private matter that should be dealt with behind closed doors. This attitude is not only harmful but also dangerous, as it allows abuse to continue unchecked. Domestic violence is not a private matter, but a public health and social problem that requires a collective response.

A lack of understanding is also a common reason why people turn a blind eye to domestic violence. They may not recognize the signs of abuse or may believe that it is a personal problem that does not affect them. This lack of awareness can perpetuate the problem, as it makes it harder for victims to seek help and for society to address the root causes of domestic violence.

The consequences of turning a blind eye to domestic violence are severe and far-reaching. For the victim, it can lead to physical injuries, emotional trauma, and even death. Domestic violence is a leading cause of homicide for women and children worldwide. For society, it can lead to increased healthcare costs, lost productivity, and a decreased quality of life for individuals and families affected by abuse.

Ignoring domestic violence can also perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes and reinforce the idea that women and children are inferior and powerless. It sends a message that abuse is acceptable and normalizes a culture of violence that is harmful to everyone. By turning a blind eye to domestic violence, we are condoning this behavior and allowing it to continue.

It is essential to take action to address domestic violence and to support those affected by abuse. This can include raising awareness, supporting victims, and holding abusers accountable for their actions. It can also involve working to change social and cultural attitudes that perpetuate violence and gender inequality.

One way to take action is to support organizations that provide services to victims of domestic violence, such as shelters, hotlines, and counseling services. These organizations play a vital role in supporting those affected by abuse and can provide a safe haven for victims to escape their abusers.

Another way to take action is to speak out against domestic violence and to raise awareness about the issue. This can involve sharing information about the signs of abuse, speaking up when you see or hear something concerning, and challenging harmful gender stereotypes and attitudes.

Educating ourselves and others about domestic violence is also crucial in addressing the problem. This can include learning about the different forms of abuse, understanding the impact of abuse on victims and society, and working to change social and cultural attitudes that perpetuate violence and gender inequality.

In conclusion, turning a blind eye to domestic violence is not just harmful; it’s perilous. Ignoring or downplaying such abuse perpetuates a cycle of harm that affects individuals, families, and society at large. Victims endure physical and psychological trauma, eroding their self-esteem and mental well-being. Their silence reinforces the notion that violence is acceptable, normalizing the behavior for future generations. Unaddressed domestic violence can escalate, leading to severe injuries, and even fatalities. Moreover, it strains healthcare resources, social services, and the criminal justice system. To combat this menace, society must stand united against domestic violence, offering support, education, and intervention, promoting a safer and more just world for all.

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Maybe you can relate. Have you ever been in a situation where just as you felt a positive shift something else happened that left you wondering when it was all going to be over? I definitely can relate because I have had many days and seasons of storms that seemed to whirlwind around me like a never-ending tornado. It made me feel as though I was in a mental fog and unable to think clearly or make rational decisions. At one point, I became afraid to make decisions because I was concerned that the wrong decision kept being made and life continued to be challenging. I had to learn specific and relevant steps to “get it together” and require the storm to move away from me. There is a song that comes to me as I remember the shift. You can listen to it here I Told the Storm

Acknowledge Your Emotions

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed in the face of difficult circumstances. Don’t try to suppress your feelings or pretend like everything is okay. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and acknowledge that it’s normal to have a range of emotions during a crisis.

Once you’ve recognized your emotions, take time to reflect on what you’re grateful for. Gratitude is a powerful tool that can help you shift your focus away from the negatives and towards the positives in your life. Write down a list of things that you’re grateful for and remind yourself of these things whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed. This can help you cultivate a sense of peace and hope, even in the middle of a storm.

Practice Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is essential, especially during difficult times. Make time for activities that bring you joy, whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk in nature, or practicing yoga. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, and avoid things that add to your stress. Eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly are also crucial for maintaining your physical and mental health.

Who is Your Support System?

Do You Have a Healthy Community of Support?

In addition to self-care, it’s important to reach out to others for support. Connecting with friends and family can help you feel less isolated and more connected to the people you love. Seek out the support of loved ones, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You may also want to consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. Talking to a professional can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies to help you manage your stress.

Have You Considered Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is another effective tool for finding peace in the middle of a storm. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and focusing on your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment. Practicing mindfulness can help you reduce stress and anxiety, and increase feelings of peace and well-being. You can practice mindfulness through meditation, deep breathing, or simply taking time to focus on your senses and surroundings.

Faith–James 2:17

Finally, it’s important to have faith that things will get better. Having faith also includes taking specific and relevant action steps to keep moving through the storm. Don’t get stuck in that place. Remember that no storm lasts forever and that the sun will shine again. Hold onto hope, and trust that everything will work out in the end. You may not be able to control the circumstances that you’re facing, but you can control how you respond to them. Choose to focus on the positives, cultivate a sense of peace and gratitude, and trust that everything will be okay in the end.

Finding peace in the middle of a storm is not easy, but it’s possible. By acknowledging your emotions, practicing self-care, reaching out to others for support, engaging in mindfulness, and having faith, you can cultivate a sense of peace and well-being, even in the midst of chaos and turmoil. Remember, the storm will pass, and you will come out stronger on the other side.

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Have you been stuck in an abusive relationship’s deep, dark trenches within your mind, body, and spirit? Having experienced domestic violence, I am confident that you may have felt that you would never be free. Hopefully, if you’re reading this blog right here, right now, you did it! You are free!! Now, it’s time to begin managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship.

Nevertheless, leaving an abusive relationship is the first step in a long journey ahead, but don’t get discouraged. Managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is possible. It may not be easy, but it can be done–one moment, one step, one day at a time.

If you’ve escaped the clutches of a toxic, abusive relationship stick around. We’ll talk about what your healing journey might look like, and a few ways to nurture your mental wellness as you begin to find and love yourself again.

What Should I Expect After Leaving An Abusive Relationship?

Abuse is abuse! It can be verbal, emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical abuse. When leaving an abusive relationship, you experienced a myriad of unexpected and possibly unknown feelings. One of those may have been the desire to go back to the abuser.

Breakups are difficult no matter what. It’s likely you’ll go through many of the same emotions that even individuals in healthy relationships go through and MORE! You still love the abuser and can’t understand why the feeling doesn’t dissipate immediately. Think about it–you were in a relationship with this person and feelings can be strong. Love developed. Memories were made. Life-long plans were discussed and in some instances, actions were taken for these life-long plans. It’s normal to miss the abuser. You were bonded with this person for an extended period of time, so the beginning emotions may feel raw and irritating as you adjust. 

You might feel guilty for feeling this way. Others in your life may shame you for missing your abusive partner. It’s important to remember these people often lack an understanding of the difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship.

At times you might feel happy. You may experience joy and peace as you settle into your newfound freedom. At other times, anger may erupt. It is normal to fluctuate between emotions. I do not want you to feel judgment and shame. If these two emotions/thoughts erupt, release them.

Let’s look at a few negative feelings you may experience:

• Anger
• Confusion
• Disgust
• Self-Doubt
• Scared
• Shame
• Low self-esteem
• Hopeless
• Anxious
• Stressed
• Trapped

Let’s look at the positive feelings I want you to focus on:

• Hopeful
• Empowered
• Optimistic
• Comfort
• Energized
• Relieved
• Independent
• Supported
• Loved
• Inspired
• Safe

3 Ways to Take Care of Your Mental Wellness after Leaving an Abusive Relationship

There isn’t a specific timeframe for how long it may take you to heal from an abusive partner. Unlike healthy breakups, you’re not only stuck grieving the end of your relationship but you’re also left with many broken parts of yourself that require love and commitment. Let’s explore 3 ways that can help you nurture your mental health after escaping an abusive relationship.

Do NOT have contact with the abuser! No CONTACT! Nada! None!

Remember, one of the goals is to improve your mental wellness. When you have contact with the abuser, there is a possibility that he/she will attempt to “swoon” or “sweet-talk” you to return to the relationship.

Going ‘no contact’ is exactly what it means–absolutely no contact with your ex. This may feel devastating at first, but it is absolutely necessary for your safety. It might feel excruciatingly painful, but it is the best decision you can make for your wellness.

Many abusive partners don’t let the abuse end when you walk away. They’ll often try to manipulate, control, or threaten their victim in order to prevent them from leaving. Abusers hate losing their grip on the power they hold and will often go to extreme lengths to keep a victim locked in tight.

For many victims of abuse, the constant calls and texts from their perpetrator can not only hold them back from fully leaving, but perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, stress, and depression. They may be physically free from their ex but are still mentally and emotionally confined.

The dramatic shift to no contact may feel like ripping off a Bandaid. It’s going to hurt, but anything that stays covered has difficulty with the healing process. As time carries on, and each day separates you further and further away from your abusive ex, your heart will slowly begin to heal. Every day you spend engaging in no contact is another day you win. Every time you let the sun go down without reaching out, you are strengthed to regain POWER! Your mental wellness matters.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can be incredibly useful for victims of abuse that struggle with being in the ‘here and now’. Mindfulness means simply allowing yourself to sit in the present moment while becoming consciously aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For many victims of abuse, their minds can feel like they’re constantly repeating the past. They may suffer flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts. When they suffer abuse, the areas of the brain responsible for major functioning, learning, memory, emotional regulation, and focus can become unbalanced. However, meditation and common mindfulness practices have been shown to heal many of the same areas of trauma damage!

Other Examples Of Mindfulness Practices Include:

• Yoga
• Breathwork
• Journaling
• Self-soothing
• Inner child work
• Anchoring

While your physical wounds may fade, there is continued pain from mental and emotional wounds. These inner scars don’t heal by ignoring or repressing them. The most effective way to work through trauma is to handle it head-on. Mindfulness is a gentle way to approach the internal damage caused by an abusive partner.

Seek Therapy

As the stigma of mental health slowly fades away, individuals are more open to seeking therapy.  Therapy is a necessary tool for individuals leaving an abusive relationship. The aftermath of a breakup can leave you feeling fragile, alone, scared, and confused. You might feel overwhelmed by the amount of healing work you have to do. A therapist can assist you in deep, internal healing caused by the wounds of an abusive partner. In addition, they can help you work through negative thoughts. A therapist can guide you into healthier coping strategies, and emotional regulation tools, and encourage you as you walk into your newfound freedom.

A therapist can work with you to develop a plan for your life, instead of attempting to heal and move on from abuse on your own. Abuse is tricky and can lead to many internal problems you may not realize until years later. However, therapists have the knowledge and skills to help get to the root of the issue.

You Deserve to Experience Healthy Love and a Healthy Mind

If you’ve released yourself from an abusive relationship, you may still miss your ex. You may question the decision to leave and/or might find it difficult, or even painful to make independent decisions. On the other hand, you might feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You may smile and relish in the freedom that had only been a dream.

No matter what you’re feeling, keep in mind that the healing process after an abusive relationship looks different for everyone. Just as your relationship was unique to you, so is your mental wellness journey.

Taking care of your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is vital for long-term healing. While your body may have suffered at the hands of your abuser, your mental wellness and emotions did as well. As you take it moment by moment and day by day, managing your mental wellness after leaving an abusive relationship is necessary and can be accomplished.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, reach out for help and establish a safety escape plan. See the resource listed on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan

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Praying

Praying does not require us to be bowed down on our knees, laying prostrate, or with our hands lifted. We can pray and the person next to us does not have an inkling of an idea that we’re praying. While you may think the person sitting next to you in a meeting is disengaged, he/she may be praying. Whether standing at a bus station, boarding an airplane, or getting on an elevator, someone is praying. No matter what environment we are in, silence allows us time to pray and seek God for peace, forgiveness, discernment, comfort, healing, direction, and a myriad of other reasons. The environment can be loud and boisterous or quiet and calm. A person sitting in silence may be using the moment to talk to the One who knows all and is all.

Hannah prayed in silence. She wasn’t concerned about what others said about her. Hannah knew that she needed to be in silence and pray to the Father. Eli assumed that she had been drinking when it was the total opposite because she was sober in mind and knew that God was the one who could answer her prayer.

Think it Through

Silence is necessary when after we’ve prayed, we need to think things through regarding a decision that needs to be made. It allows time to determine the best path to take, who needs to be involved, and what resources & support are needed. When we think things through, we can also identify positive and negative outcomes. We can project our potential wins and losses.

Self-Reflection

Just as we think things through, we often take time to reflect. Self-reflection is necessary for personal growth and requires silence. I can’t imagine anyone who does not take the time for self-reflection. We all experience moments of being on the mountaintop and in the lows of the valley. Whether we are on the mountaintop or in the valley, it is important for us to find a quiet environment to assess, meditate on and evaluate what we have done, gone through, and how we see ourselves. I encourage you to use this time to journal your thoughts and identify what went well and what needs to change. This allows us to make the necessary adjustments for improvements.

Observing

Hopefully, you are an observer who sits in silence and watches the behavior, character, and communication of others. I like to do this when I’m in a new setting—work environment, networking event, group vacations, and any time that I am going to be around a group of people for specific amounts of time. One of my reasons for doing this is to determine who in the group is the “chatterbox” #gossiper. This is the person I am aware of not sharing personal conversations. When we observe, we can determine who the complainer is and not get entangled in their negativity. Another reason is to identify the person who is at a higher level than you and can increase your knowledge. This is the individual I want to connect and collaborate with because Iron Sharpens Iron (Proverbs 27:17).

Control

On the negative aspect, silence can be used as a form of control in a relationship. Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Not addressing the issue instead of talking it out increases stress and frustration. It can lead to feelings of loneliness and doubt about where they stand in the relationship. There is a difference in needing to take time to gather your thoughts and calm down after a negative incident. This allows both parties to become “level-headed” and decrease the opportunity for the conversation to be argumentative and confrontational. The door is open for a calm crucial conversation that allows both people to share openly with the goal of having effective communication to resolve the issue.

Establish a timeframe for how long you all will take to “cool down” or “gather your thoughts” before coming together for an open and transparent discussion. Going to bed without talking, brings division in the relationship. You might think it doesn’t, but it does something to the person that is being ignored, controlled, and emotionally abused.

When the silent treatment is used as a form of control, the individual may ignore their partner for hours, days, or weeks. Knowing full well they are hurting the person, they choose to punish with silence and ultimately manipulate the situation.

Call to Action when he/she is being silent.

• Have your own hobbies. Don’t be so “caught up” in the relationship that you lose a sense of who you are and what you like to do. Get active to get energized.  
• Avoid perusing social media. This can cause more harm than good. You need your mind to be on something positive and not on the images others what to portray about their lives.
• Continue to connect with family and friends. Plan a last-minute outing to do something fun.
• Take yourself on a date. Have a mini spa day and get a manicure and pedicure.
• Go to the park and read a book.
• Go for a walk, pray, and soak in some vitamin D.
• Establish boundaries and ask yourself: “Is it time to leave the relationship? Is this something that you can deal with by staying in the relationship if he/she doesn’t change?”
• Be honest with yourself and make an informed decision.

Once you’ve made a decision based on the last two bullet points above, determine your next steps. Is he/she willing to make the necessary adjustments to improve communication in the relationship and avoid using the silent treatment? Your mental health should not be challenged as a result of being the receiver of the silent treatment. Your mental health deserves peace, comfort, and love. You are worthy to be loved to life!

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